Identity is one of the most important things in people's lives. Some are born very sure of who and what they are. Some aren't. But a lot of what we do, the things we like or loathe, the company we keep, the groups and cliques we join, is all about defining ourselves. Inevitably our weblogs are too. Show me your blogroll and I'll show you the man.
So, that question. After much coaching, the answer gradually began to dawn on me throughout February. Although the result is not a particularly earth-shattering revelation, the clarity is startling. This blog is about IDENTITY. Long-term readers will probably roll their eyes and say "And?" but to me it's like someone finally switched the lights on.
It's a subject that has clearly been on my mind for years. Teenage business that has remained unfinished. A twenty-something adrift on a sea of possibilities. A thirty-something who bought an ill-fitting off-the-peg number because nothing else seemed to suit. A forty-something finally impatient with second best.
Seen in the context of this fascination with identity, so many disparate strands of my life start to make sense. My early love of ABBA, the band whose very name is an abbreviation of the identities of its members. The hours spent sweeping the short-wave dial in search of stations epitomising the countries from which they emanated.
The mind-altering experiments, examining what remains when the façade is destroyed. The "company man" phenomenon: so mystifying in retrospect, yet clearly symptomatic of a longing to be part of a bigger whole. The intense satisfaction gained from getting to know the nascent personalities of my nieces and nephews.
I've been writing here for over six years, hoping that eventually all of my small jigsaw-piece posts would finally resolve themselves into a bigger picture. I've genuinely had no clue, no plan, no understanding. I formed a new identity on this blog and then forced the real-life me to change into the online persona I had come to prefer.
Last year, I began to wonder tentatively whether Hydragenic was a blog about creativity, but that didn't feel quite right. Now I see that it's been more about the creation of identity. I've been examining my own uniqueness (and I'm so aware of how precious that sounds), alongside that of the numerous creatives who continue to fascinate me.
Musicians, in particular, provide fertile ground for the exploration of this subject. If identity can be encapsulated by naming, popular music is the area where it's most common to become someone else in order to become who you really are. Billy Childish, Gavin Friday, Kid Harpoon and Lupen Crook are amongst my favourite mavericks.
More recently, I've been making choices about whether particular links should be saved to del.icio.us for presentation here on Hydragenic, whether they should be directed to my infinitely more random Tumblr blog (which nevertheless still contains method in its madness), or whether they should simply be discarded.
The need to choose was instructive. I realised that I had an inarticulate, instinctive feel for "Hydragenic" items, which was very helpful in trying to narrow down this blog's essential subject matter. Although not everything can be reduced to a prescriptive set of common themes, nevertheless there has been commonality.
Identity manifested in the artist's authentic voice. Identity revealed through the process of writing. The European, British and English identities, distinct but intertwined. The assumptions and associations that form my own identity. The love/hate allure of branding. The mythic archetypes of Robin Hood, James Bond, the Doctor...
With every word, I've been trying to define - or refine - my own identity, or to highlight those going through a similar process. This need for "authenticity" that I've found myself demanding of music over the past few years has been all about seeking out others who have been doing the same thing, in one form or another.
Professionally, too, I've moved away from the technicalities of the bits and bytes that so intrigued me for more than a decade. More recently I've been helping individuals and organisations to articulate - or should I say identify? - precisely what is so unique about their offering and to communicate that sense of "self" to others.
I can't tell you how relieved I am to finally understand that there's a point to all of this. I've been on a search for meaning and purpose, always afraid that I'd find a blank, echoing nothing. I'm still coming to terms with what this new-found knowledge implies and where it can take me, but for now I'm happy to have found an anchor to throw into the water.
Posted by Hg on Thursday 13 March 2008 at 00:47.
Received 10 comments so far.
Comments
That makes it sound really obvious. I suppose it is, in one way. Personal weblogs are about personalities. Insofar as all the things I write about define my identity, I guess I'm no different to half of the people on my blogroll.
But what I'm getting at here is that I'm becoming as interested in the process as the pursuit itself. I want to work out who I am, but I want to observe the mechanics of how I work it out as well. And to watch others doing it.
I think that's behind much of what I get out of music these days. It's that Whedonesque (the man, rather than the blog) notion of your singing voice being the window onto your soul. I want to know who they really are.
And specifically with musicians, I'm interested in why they seem to need to build up these personae, which appear superficially artificial yet are probably a truer reflection of their "real" personality than their birth names.
In the music reviews and interviews that I've done recently, I realise that I'm as interested in getting "behind" the music to find out where it came from as in the end result itself. That's another type of search for identity.
As far as Hydragenic's concerned, although it's a "personal" site, it does seem to have an implicit theme. There are things I choose not to write about here because they're not "right". I've not understood why till recently.
I'm not sure how much sense I'm making. There is more work to be done on this.
Great post, explained beautifully, and so interesting and thought-provoking. I am really looking forward to reading what you write on this subject. I love the idea of you becoming your blog, but I'm frightened of me becoming mine. A comment you made about me yesterday made me wonder if I really am the person who writes Rise, or if someone else secretly does it while I'm not looking. I just wish they would post more often, if it is.
Comment by Karen - 'bel - Molly on Thursday 13 March 2008 at 16:59.
Yeah, sorry, the minute I posted that I thought it might sound dismissive. I guess I don't get it. Sorry.
I'll get me coat.
And I will stare meaningfully at your coat and try to work out why it could only be your coat and no one else's.
Weirdly, i woke up this morning with the idea that I should read your blog. I don't know why I thought it. But I followed the instinct and read this great and intriguing post.
I pondered why I should be led to it and couldn't really think what to add. There's so much to say about identity and forming one and indeed letting one go...
I suppose from my perspective (having an eponymous blog) there's a much more direct sense of defining myself. Perhaps against the less interesting me that comes over on TV.
But over the years I've blogged I've become much more relaxed about what I put up there. Perhaps this is telling.
I used to really censor what went up there to fix a special kind of Alistair - now, like you, I find that a more leftfield - perhaps truer - Alistair is coming to the fore.
That's probably due to a generally more relaxed sense of self, post meditation and ayahuasca, but also because I don't care so much what other people think OR what I think about myself. And with that not caring I'm much more able to experiment, to try doing that, try dressing up in drag, try staying in, try being this way or that.
Ultimately, I suppose that identity needs to be flexible to the point that it becomes almost redundant.
Comment by alistair Appleton on Saturday 15 March 2008 at 10:06.
Also I'm sure that a lot of this just comes from ageing and, in general, becoming more comfortable with oneself. I take your point about flexibility. You have to be open to who you really are and not try to force yourself to conform to some kind of idealised picture of who you think you should be.
I have this notion - possibly flawed, but I guess I'll find out - that the process is somewhat like the slow compression of coal into a diamond. Eventually, the soot and dust will be gone and all that will remain is something hard, glistening and unarguable, able to cut through any obstacle in its path.
I don't know you outside of the electronic world, Mr Hg, but from what I do know of you - I can't imagine you changing your offline identity to fit the online one for any reason; that makes it sound as if your previous identity wasn't worth the trouble.
Perhaps it's as simple as you say - your blog has allowed to explore existing facets of yourself, and you've picked those you are most comfortable with and which give you the most pleasure...whilst shedding those you are not. It is, as you say, growing up!
Comment by Vicky on Friday 21 March 2008 at 15:23.
Yeah, it's a complex subject and I've used some fairly simple images to describe it. Is it ever possible to "change" your identity or are you always - as you rightly imply - merely choosing to display different aspects of it?
However, there is no doubt that after a period of immense confusion during my twenties as to who I actually was - hardly unique, it has to be said - I consciously chose to be a pinstriped professional, a company man.
In the absence of any firm convictions in any other directions (or more likely, the confidence to act on my interests in writing, music, publishing and so on), I figured this was a path that seemed to work for others.
It worked for me for a while, but was ultimately dissatisfying. That's what I mean by changing my offline identity to reflect the online one. However, as a friend recently pointed out, this was more "realignment" than "change".
I don't think the search for identity ever ends. As soon as you found it you'd be someone else.
But an interesting train of thought you set, and eloquently.
OE
Comment by ovrnightedtr on Wednesday 26 March 2008 at 00:42.
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